Written by Kelly Button | March 13, 2021

I recently had surgery for an Ectopic pregnancy. Truthfully, I didn’t know much about an Ectopic pregnancy other than it can be fatal to the mother if left untreated. I didn’t know what it would feel like, how quickly things would happen, & what it would be like to process the loss & trauma afterwards.

From my experience, and I know everyone is different, I can tell you I didn’t have unbearable pain & I definitely didn’t think I was going to hear the words Ectopic & surgery before I left my house. I did have pain that felt like period cramps & for one night it was more on my right side. I did have pain when someone pressed on my stomach but it was bearable. I did have nausea that I thought was the start of morning sickness like my last pregnancy, but was not. It even went away mid day. I did have an emotional overload once I had space to start processing the events. I found out I was pregnant on Wednesday, was in emergency Friday and was back home from surgery late Saturday night.

I am thankful for everyone who extended well wishes, concerns, sympathy, & help during & after. I often get asked how I am doing and I am doing better now but truthfully it often feels like an emotional loop - wave after wave after wave of constant change. Sadness, anger, gratitude, anxiety, love, happiness, contentment, discontent, mortality, & thankfulness. I am working with my counsellor to process these waves.

The loop sometimes looks like this:

the sadness of losing a baby I was excited to have
anger because my body didn’t do the thing it was supposed to do
gratitude that I went to the hospital when I did so I am still here to kiss my husband & son and live another year
thankful for the medical care I received
confusion & fear about going through this again if we decided to try for more children
more sadness that I may be done having children
more gratitude for my one & only little boy
sadness he may grow up without siblings
gratitude that I won’t miss his life as he grows
love & appreciation for my husband & the amazing partner he is - for his support, love, and care.
appreciation for our family & friends who reached out & offered their support.
anger when I see someone else who would have been due at the same time - not at them, but just anger because it isn’t me.
contentment when I feel like myself again for a short time
sadness when I look at my physical scars

As for the physical part, I have 3 small scars & 1 less fallopian tube. It hurt to roll over, sit up, lay down, laugh, & sneeze for the first week. They told me I would feel more like myself in a week, & they were right. Each week after has continued to improve. The stitches are gone & I can finally breathe. I am unable to lift my son for a few more weeks but we got back to slow family walks.

I am so fortunate to have the partner I have. I am so fortunate to have family that came to our rescue. I am so fortunate for the medical staff that figured it out. I am so fortunate for my family & friends who provided support. I am so fortunate to be surrounded with a wealth of information & support from my counsellor & workplace. I am so fortunate that we live in an era that women can talk about their experiences without judgement. That we can seek support & counselling when we need.